Do we pretend to be happy for ourselves or for other people?
Is it something we were taught to do or is it a natural thing?
A British thing?
Because honestly I have no idea.
It feels inherent. Like I don’t choose to do it, I just do.
But then that begs the question of why?
Is it because I don’t want to burden people with my non-life-threatening worries or is it because I don’t actually want to rid myself of the hardships? Or I don’t know how to.
I feel like I’m drowning in them on some days. Trapped in a room full of all the little problems in my life with a mass ring of keys all with little middle fingers engraved on them.
Some of the problems are little. Only a few are more of a generous XL.
Some everyday ones that, I think, everyone has. Worries that come from comparison and expectations on myself that I don’t quite meet.
You know, that usual stuff.
But then there’s some that seem so personal and so individual. But do they seem that way because everyone sees them as a taboo subject not worthy of conversation? So I’ve gone my whole life convinced I’m the only one with these thoughts, these worries, these mad little bits of negativity. When in reality everyone, every day is in their own personal 1 on 1 with overcoming them?
I worry if I told my friends all the negative stuff that travels through my brain they’d be so concerned my day to day was like that.
But like most people, I hope, it’s not every day, really. It comes and goes. Some days are fucking awesome sauce, on top of the world, untouchable levels of great. Others I feel like I’m carrying around a weighted backpack full of every negative thought, memory, emotion I’ve had the displeasure of knowing.
It’s fucking scary stuff.
I want to talk about it, I want to open up the backpack to the people I trust, empty it on the floor and skip off into the sunset with my empty bag and all my belongings scattered behind. But the fear is a killer man. And honestly, I don’t think it necessarily works like that.
I have an idea that I think could help, I think we should start swapping bags every now and then, just to take a peek and keep up to date with what the people we love are carrying around, because sometimes when things get too heavy to carry we don’t notice until the person can’t carry them anymore, and they end up weighed right down and it becomes a bigger problem than it ever had to be.
These things can be prevented, with conversation, and the occasional offer to carry someone’s bag for a few minutes.
It’s just a thought.
– Ella Biddlecombe